Discordian Totems

By Psyche | July 2, 2006

Jackalope

These are a special sub-species of rabbit with the antlers of a deer. Elementally, they combine earth and air, and reside in the north-east corner of the compass rose. They are earthly creatures; practical, but intellectual, as their horns harness the cerebral vibrations of air. They demonstrate their almost unique synthesis of earth and air qualities in their ability to bring theoretical ideas and manifest them in reality, making use of their abstract natures in a material setting. Discordians with a jackalope as their totem tend to be successful in their idealistic pursuits.

Pink Unicorn

This creature is invisible, but known to be pink. Pink unicorns are related to the element of spirit, which one recognizes only with intense faith: though we can never see it, we know it’s there. Pink unicorns have even developed their own cult following, in which the Lady is the Invisible Pink Unicorn. (Though clearly She is no rival for Our Lady of Chaos, Eris.) Those with pink unicorns as their totem animal are pseudo-scientific creatures, with immense faith in nothing. Very spiritual though.

Bigfoot

Forest-dwelling creatures of earth, the bigfeet are secretive creatures living in harmony with nature. They are elusive, and not terribly photogenic, as is evidenced by numerous blurry photographs and fuzzed film. Discordians with the bigfoot as a totem may be reclusive, shy, and wear clown shoes.

Yeti

Yetis and abominable snowmen are earth-water creatures, sacred to the north-west. Able to withstand extremely low temperatures, these cave-dwelling creatures prefer to be alone, and tend to become rather cross when they are not. Those with yetis as totems, while possessing deep feelings, may appear snippy and hostile toward others. Great in bed on those chilly winter nights though.

Sea Monsters

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Obviously creatures of water, perhaps the most famous being Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. You may discover that you have an equally fake monster living in your local lake or puddle, or perhaps just swimming around just to the west of you (consider Ogopogo). These tend to be large, invisible, and emotionally needy totems, requiring much attention and love. Discordians with sea monsters as totems should refrain from swimming an hour after eating.

Human

While this creature combines the five elements, the balance is often found to be off-kilter. In great droves this creature is rather like the lemming, but not as cute. Discordians with human as their totem may be found rather dull by others with more remarkable guides.

El Chupacabra

This goat sucker may be considered a creature merging the oft diametrically opposed elements of fire and water. It is a lizard creature which requires the life-blood of clove-footed creatures for its sustenance. Those with the chupacabra as a totem may be violent-tempered, but find themselves really sorry about the whole mess afterwards. (Or not.)

Methods of Discovery

Your best bet for discovering your Discordian totem is to draw pictures of each, pin them to a dartboard, and hurl darts at the images while blindfolded, allowing Eris to guide your hand. The spirit and essence of the animal will direct your dart accordingly, so that whichever dart is the absolute furthest away is obviously your totem animal.

Once you’ve discovered which totems speak to you, remember to personalize it with a lofty name, and encode it with indecipherable symbols, so others will know your might.

Then promptly forget the entire thing. Totems, not being Greek, or even French, have absolutely nothing to do with the Erisian Mysteries.

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