Are You a God/dess?

By Anonymous | December 17, 2000

Are you a God/dess? Take this simple test and find out!

1. When you invite people over to your house for a party, they:

1. Laugh and question whether anyone will show up at all.
2. Come over but everyone just winds up watching TV.
3. Prostrate themselves and beg for forgiveness.

2. When you meet a girl you are attracted to, you:

1. Ask for her phone number so you can get together again some time.
2. Flatter her incessantly and lavish her with gifts.
3. Turn into a bull and rape her.

3. Your children won’t listen to you. You:

1. Threaten them with the loss of TV privileges for a week.
2. Try to talk out your differences to make the house a happier place.
3. You ignite a bush and engrave your immutable rules into stone tablets, threatening to cast any who stray into flaming pits for eternity.

4. You are bored. You decide now is the time to:

1. Organize your laundry into dark and white wash.
2. Commit various random violent crimes.
3. Finally get around to separating the firmament from the earth and start working on night and day.

5. Your friends are having a party, but you aren’t invited. You:

1. Cry.
2. Ask your friend to bring you bring you back some cake.
3. Throw a golden apple into the room inscribed with the phrase “To the fairest one,” thereby igniting the first war among mortal men.

Weiser Books - Tarot of the Magicians

6. It’s dinnertime. Unfortunately your cupboard is bare and you have no money. You:

1. Hunt for varmint.
2. Humbly ask your neighbour for assistance.
3. Transubstantiate and nibble on your limbs.

7. You are having a child! You:

1. Pass around cigars to all your friends.
2. Knit a bonnet.
3. Buy a lot of strong pain relievers because the doctor tells you the kid will spring forth fully grown from your split head.

8. The people you hang around with have names like:

1. Joe, Bill, Mary, Ziggy.
2. Pedro, Maria, Zapata, Francisco.
3. He Who Has No Name, A’Thothton, Rah, Hera, Jesus, Tori Amos.

9. At sporting events you fondly remember the good ‘ole days when:

1. Players didn’t charge kids 20 bucks for an autograph.
2. The beer had bubbles in it.
3. The winners of the handball game would have their chests splayed open, and their still-beating hearts would be offered to you in sacrifice.

10. When you return home from work you take:

1. The bus.
2. A carpool on the freeway.
3. The Rainbow bridge.

11. Do you believe in God/dess?

1. Yes.
2. No.
3. How dare you question my existence, puny mortal!


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